Don't I Hold You

The more I learn to hear the voice of the L-rd, the more I realize how much I've always heard it.

About two years ago I was not following the L-rd the way I knew I should. My spirit was starving and I often felt loneliness so cold it cut me to the bones and woke me up at night. Running running running and grasping after things I couldn't and shouldn't have. Longings deep deep inside of me were never satisfied but I would not open my heart to Him.I didn't think I knew how to get to Him.

I was fond of the Elizabethtown soundtrack (and the movie itself, for that matter). One day in my dorm room I was listening to it, and this song came on:

These are the lyrics:
don't i hold you like you want to be held
and don't i treat you like you want
and don't i love you like you want to be loved
and you're running away
and what's your name
like i'm in the way
don't i hold you like you want to be held
don't i please you like you want
and don't i love you like you want to be loved
and you're running away
and what's your name
like i'm in the way
and wasting too much time
don't i
don't i hold you like you want

sometimes i hold you right
nice and tight
to me most times
on account it's based on need
not selfish greed or pride

don't i
don't i hold you like you want


In that moment, I felt the song was what He was saying to me. I remember feeling like something broke in me and I was crying, but I couldn't believe it was really His voice. It felt too presumptuous or too fictitious to think it was true. I didn't believe it. I wished it was true, I wanted it to be...


I used to be so mad at Him because I felt He could see my struggle and this gnawing thing inside of me and left there utterly alone. I ran a lot then, literally. I hesitate to run these days because it reminds of back then, when I was running on the outside and inside, but not because I wanted to.


A little while ago, I confided in a friend the sadness and loneliness I was feeling at the moment. She said, "Let Him hold you like you need to be held." This immediately hit the rewind button in my mind and brought me back to the moment with the song two years ago. I know now that it was Him, and now I know what He says is true.


I don't blame Him anymore for not breaking through to me during those years. Doesn't He know the hearts of men? Isn't He able to rightly judge them? I explained away His love. I also explained away His instructions to me. In fact, at that time I said in my heart, "I have always done the right thing, I have always obeyed. This time I'm not going to." I wanted to see what would happen. I saw what happened. I'm still recovering and being healed from the effects of those choices. I believe Him when He says that He will repay us for the years the locust ate, the locust he sent among us. But how much better to bind our years to the L-rd? How much better to hold our years as precious possessions and not let any be wasted?


Now He holds me like I want to be held. And I don't ever want to go back again.